Day 8

Day 8 is remarkable and hard for a couple of reasons. First, it marks the first time in my adult life that I have been 100% sober for a 3-day weekend holiday. It started out feeling hard, then it felt ok, and then I got bored and wanted to drink again. So I got myself busy. And it worked! I’m now going to bed, free from alcohol, and quite frankly, not really missing it. Sure, I miss having a glass of wine with a friend or meeting at the brewery. But I don’t miss the bloat, or the feeling of being tired, or even the way it made me act/feel. It’s early to tell, but I do feel a little more in charge of my present state of mind. 

Day 8 is also hard, because I’m wondering if this is even going to work. My face is broken out, and I feel bloated and gross. No thinner, and still kind of hungry. Alas I read the book, and the bloating is normal. Hooray!!! It’s also one of those days that makes me wonder if all this cooking and sacrificing and worrying is going to be worth it. “I’ve already learned enough, I can just be more careful from now on!” is what I keep saying to myself. But alas, my coworker’s are pushing on so I will too. Only 3 weekends left. 22 days. Will that even be enough to make a difference?

Day 7

I’m sitting in the grass at a park near my house, and it’s 79 degrees out. Being that I live in the city and I opted not to go down to the lake, I listen to the whizzing of cars and trucks on I90. The path is occassionally visited by people on their bikes, many of the men shirtless as it hasn’t been this hot in months. 

And I’m alone. Just the breeze and the cars and the bikes and my book. 

It’s day 7, so I’m tired, although that might have something to do with a 12 mile run. That’s the first long run I’ve done (not hungover), without toast, and after recovering from my Whole 30 hangover. (This hangover includes the feeling of intense dehydration, even though I’ve chugged water the day before). My stomach feels hungry and full at the same time. Maybe that’s what it should feel like to be satiated? I’m not sure. 

After my hangover cures, I feel like I can hear a little bit better. I’m physically tired, but mentally more aware. And I think it’s the break from alcohol. 

I’ve had a few events where drinking and eating were involved and after some initial anxiety I was able to overcome it. First, my cousin’s graduation party. I actually ate after an indulgent pre-workout and before heading to the party, leaving me to feel bloated and uncomfortable. Normally that might mean I keep eating or start drinking, but in this case I sip my water and my food digests, and I feel better by the time I leave. 

The book was right on about questions: I answered some and then changed the subject. I found myself feeling ok to mingle among people and have a fine conversation. To be honest, I don’t know what alcohol could have done to make it better. 

Then I hung out with friends while they sipped refreshing drinks on a hot day. Man oh man I could have gone for a glass (or bottle) of rose, but instead I sipped water and ate my vegetables. At my sisters I was actually feeling full, which could have been because of the heat, and felt tired. Tired on weekends sometimes used to feel forced and alcohol induced, and in this case it was just tired. 

On this memorial weekend the loneliness sets in. I don’t mean lonely because I have no one to hang out with, but lonely because my plans are other people’s plans, they’re never my own. And when I want to leave and do something else, I feel guilty for disappointing them. I can’t decide if this loneliness is a good thing or a bad thing. I’m sure not doing a good job of getting myself out of it, running by myself and sitting in a park by myself. 

More clarity is needed, luckily I still have 23 days. 

Day 3 and 4

Each day I wake up and I brace myself for the agitation, or the headache, or something resembling a detox. And each day I wake up…. hungry. 

Yes, I’m a little more tired, and I got a headache for a few hours tonight, but in general this doesn’t feel too different. Avoiding sugar has been good, but I am still eating limited fruit. I’m more thirsty than I’ve ever been. It’s like I’ve never had water. 

So far, I’m feeling strengthened mentally. When I go to work I’m very thoughtful about the food I bring and it’s really satiating me throughout the day. But more than anything I’m proud of myself. I read a lot of blogs about health and living with a clear mind and body, and yet sometimes I stuff my face with foods that are not great for me. I don’t read labels, except to say that if it looks pretty and fancy, it must be good for me! I went to a concert last night, and didn’t have even the urge to drink. The thought of waking up the next morning tired from being out late and sluggish from the alcohol seemed unappealing. 

The other reason I’m glad this is happening? I’m just too damn busy right now to waste my time fogging my brain with alcohol and bad foods. I have to pre-train for a marathon, work 3 jobs, and wrap up a school year. It feels really good to do what’s right by me each day. 

This weekend will be interesting because 1- it’ll be the first weekend without drinking, 2- it’s supposed to be 80 degrees (c’mon white wine or crisp beer in the sunshine!), and 3- it’s a long weekend. I’m secretly super excited to wake up each morning not hungover. Well, that is if I’m not feeling yucky from the actual Whole 30. 

Stay tuned… tomorrow I go to a graduation party and navigate not eating in front of people. 

Day 2, 28 days left!

Today, not bad! I was hungry a couple hours after breakfast, meaning I need to beef up my meal plan there, and my lunch was very satisfying. I find that full feels different again, and I need to continue to get used to it. 

I had to go grocery shopping after work to pick up more veggies and some nuts, and I found myself resisting the urge to eat 1,000 cashews. I had a small handful to fuel me for my run and I felt great! 

It is truly amazing how many extra ingredients we put in our bodies. I always associate Trader Joe’s as “organic” and “good for me” when in reality I had to put a lot of foods back because of their hidden culprits. I’m curious to see if eliminating those really do help physically. 

Besides a few cravings, I felt great again. Only 28 days left! 

Day one done!

I woke up this morning sore and bloated. I had run 13.1 miles, had a few beers, ate everything that was bad for me, and got on an airplane. To be honest, I barely slept, probably because my stomach was digesting and my nerves for the week were going. 

Whole 30 so far, is not much different than how I normally eat. I made myself a more substantial breakfast of egg, spinach, chicken and sweet potatoes. I wanted to snack but instead chugged coffee and water. But 10:50am I had my salad with celery, grapes, chicken, half an avocado, almond slivers and dressing which was delicious. Luckily work got busy so I lost track of snack time a bit and ate dinner at 5pm, right before practice: hard boiled eggs and avocado mushed together with some olive oil and salt and more sweet potatoes. I’m already realizing how much I snack and that I can’t tell the difference between being hungry and being bored. 

Now it’s 10:15 and I’ve been trying out some meatballs and trying to clean my kitchen that seems to be cluttered with measuring crap. {I did eat a few grapes and tasted a bite of meatball, which is against the no snacking rule. I’ll check with my sponsors to see if I broke any cardinal rules}

However, breakfast is basically done and lunch is too, so sleep in tomorrow?! Jk workout at 4:30. 

Only 29 days to go! 

Day 1, tomorrow

Last night I couldn’t sleep. This is typical of the night before races. I am always afraid of sleeping in (I don’t sleep in anyway…), of being too slow, and afraid my timing won’t work out to get to the start line. This time, sitting quietly in a Denver hotel room, I had this feeling. While lately I’ve been trying to stay away from my phone during middle-of-the-night wake ups, I was drawn to check my phone for the last text messages I had with my ex-husband. It took awhile, but the date was June 2015. And before those texts, it was May 22nd, 2015. 

I thought our divorce was final May 11th, but in reality it was two years ago today (May 21st). It truly baffles me that I had this thought and needed to check. Especially because I don’t think about him very often anymore. 

I remember about a year ago my therapist told me I was “onto something big” we just didn’t know what it was yet. Well nothing big has happened yet. In the process I’ve become more flexible with my time and plans, but I’ve also taken every moment like a sign of something new. The reality is that my life has been pretty boring. I feel like every “significant” moment causes me to jump, bracing myself like “this is IT!” and then later realizing it’s pretty ordinary. 

Not exciting or miraculously I’ve had some weird health stuff happen: bloating, excema, exhaustion, muscle fatigue, acne, irregular periods, etc. I saw the doctor, braced myself for impact, and they found nothing. I’m healthy. 

Also not exciting has been my dating life. I’ve done some of it. Actually a dated a guy that checked a lot of boxes but ultimately it wasn’t right. We dated for a few months and I kept waiting for the impact, and eventually needed to move on. Since then I’ve gone off dating sites and have almost never looked at my cute “going out” clothes that I would normally wear for dating. 

I’ve had some negative interactions with men that have probably contributed to my stalemate. It seems as though they are either ready for the marriage or just want to fuck around. Or they’re just jerks. I did find a really good article that described my own findings. 

Anyway, while my big moment hasn’t arrived, there have been some signs. My body has been off, my behavior has been off, I think I’ve been living a bit unconsciously. I want all these things for myself but yet I live each day in a flurry of activity. I’m tired. My body aches. And more my heart feels a bit detached. I read a lot, too, and learn a ton, but nothing really sticks. Maybe this is why I’ve been unsuccessful in finding a partner. 

So, I decided to take a break for myself, and finally become conscious again. What I’m going to do sounds so silly compared to this profound statement, as it’s a small thing. But I’ve been stressing over this decision for a lot of reasons. I’m going to do the Whole 30 meal plan. This means:

No alcohol, sugar, gluten, legumes (bye peanut butter), and little snacking. 

A complete reset. 

At first, I decided to do the Whole 30 but still drink for special occasions. And then I read the book and was shamed for my “but” statement. I mean, in the nicest way possible. But it did snap me out of my decision. The point to doing this diet is a reset, and I want to still allow myself the chance to get drunk when I need to be social. 

To be honest the drinking part is the hardest to wrap my brain around, which feels really wrong and is exactly why I need to do this. For the last two years I’ve had to walk into every family and social event alone. I’ve had to force conversation and walk into a circle of people and start talking about something interesting or ask questions. Alcohol has been my date. Get a glass of wine in me and I can work a room (ok fine a couple glasses). Also give me a couple glasses and I feel sexy and invincible to the opposite sex. Guess how well that’s worked out. 

I need to be able to do these activities on my own. I need to be secure enough to go to a party and be ok standing alone or strike up conversation while my self-doubt plagues my thoughts. I probably need to go on a date and feel sexy and confident without a Pinot Grigio (although, don’t think I’ll be dating, we’ll see). This growth feels important and essential for me to take next steps in life. 

I also need to figure out what else is out there besides going to the brewery and reading while sipping a beer, or meeting friends for happy hour. If I’m bored, then I find a drinking activity. 

Socially this is really putting me in a panic. I was looking at my memorial weekend and I have few plans. Which means boredom will plague me. Plus, if the weather is nice, how am I NOT going to get a beer and sit in the warm sunshine?! Plus, time off work means party time! I’m afraid I’ll be boring and others will judge me. Or maybe I won’t be invited at all because I’m the weirdo. 

This is exactly why I need it. 

I need to actually do activities I want to do. Hiking, crafts, coffee shops need more of a presence. I need to stop avoiding responsibilities and take care of my shit. I need to go hang out with friends and stay out late but drive my own ass home. And (gasp) not take Uber everywhere.

The other thing is my eating. I work out a decent amount, and so my calorie intake has increased. I eat healthy, but I snack out of boredom, out of stress, out of hunger (sometimes), or just because! I walk into my apartment and immediately look in my fridge. In turn, I feel regretful, full, yucky. 

I’m nervous though, for not only social reasons but for my cravings. I know I’m going to want popcorn, and chips and salsa. And I’m going to go to dinner with friends and want to devour the entire tray of snacks, and I can’t. 

This is exactly why I need to do it. 

These two things have been a source of shame and internal agony. But I’m out of control. And I need it back. 

I need to prove to myself that I am in control. I already accept myself, but externally I’m making decisions that don’t feel like me. I know some people are going to think I’m doing this because I want to be skinny or what ever, but ultimately this 30 days is about proving a lot to myself. It’s really about starting a new chapter. 

The strange thing is that I decided to do Whole 30 on May 22nd about two weeks ago, before I knew that today was the 2-year anniversary of my life officially changing forever. I spent the early morning hours running 13.1 miles and then indulging in all the things, as a celebration of old me. It’s time to become more aware, more athletic, more confident in my decisions. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. 

And only things that are difficult are worth it. 

{Daily blog posts to follow for 30 days?!}

My spiritual awakening took a slumber

It’s been an interesting week, to say the least. I think a lot of anxieties and fears have truly come to a head, and I don’t even know how to begin sifting through it. Some of it I can’t even talk about on here. It’s just too difficult. Some I think I’m willing to share now.

I’ve been dating pretty consistently the last couple of years (I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since my divorce was official! It feels like a LOT longer, and it feels like it just happened). The guys I end up seeing more than once are like this: attractive enough, successful but a bit lost, a tad emotionally unstable, and just total puppy dogs around me. They love everything about me, but I am not attracted enough to them. Even as I type this, I hate the way I sound. But I can’t do it.

Recently I had been seeing someone for a few months and decided I just wasn’t attracted enough to him. We had been physical a few times but each time something felt off and I decided to go with my gut. In so many ways he was what I needed: he wrote me songs, he challenged me mentally, he even bought me a book and painted me a picture. However, breaking up with him was an easy decision. And I decided I needed to ask more of the men I dated.

I need someone that’s attractive, with a great smile, and that has their crap together. They need to have confidence while also humility. They need to have it all and most importantly, they need to be okay with my imperfections and love me regardless. The problem, I think, is that I cannot love myself regardless.

Case in point, this past weekend. Friday night I had a few guys that were not interesting hit on me. One of them texted to ask me out and in my confidence I said no. On Saturday, after a few too many cocktails, I ended up bringing someone home. He seemed pretty amazing. Even the people I know that know him said you’d be hard-pressed to find someone that doesn’t like him. After declaring to myself that I was going to “date up”, I had a (drunken) confidence that I was finally going to do it.

After dropping him off he texted and followed me on instagram. And then days went by, and each passing day the negative self-talk grew louder and louder. “Don’t date up, you’re out of your league.” “You are not worthy.” I woke up multiple times in the night, broken out in a sweat and with those words screaming in my head. I hate that this type of situation does it to me. I called my therapist, crying over a stupid boy.

But it isn’t even about the boy. It’s about the trauma I’ve had in my life. The patterns I am creating are very similar to all my other dating patterns. Not only that, but any man that I’ve truly given a damn about has chosen another woman, or friends, or anything else over me. My ex was the only person that had it all, and he threw it back in my face 10 years later. Frankly, this week made me realized how fucked up I am over men. Ultimately, it’s the relationship with myself that’s causing this, but up until this week I had been feeling confident because I was dating the “safe” men.

And then a friend sent me Brene Brown’s TED talk again, and I was reminded of vulnerability and shame. And I reflected that my life recently has been really safe. I’ve been stretching myself physically with running, but everything else has been really safe. No scary traveling, no job risks, no relationship risks. And without risk, I’ve been restless. Constantly trying to find the next thing. I’m uncomfortable yet safe, happy yet not satisfied.

So you know what I did? I texted him. Fuck it. No response, but the adrenaline has felt great.

Setting the intention

Writing on this blog has been a task that I’ve been meaning to start again. I really like writing, but sometimes putting all my thoughts out to the universe feels daunting. I find the writing process to be a sporadic process. Sometimes I want to do nothing but write, other times I don’t know what to start typing. Today’s journal entry is really going back to why I started this page in the first place. It’s to document my journey: my SPIRITUAL journey, actually.

So here goes world. Today, I’m going to work on my intention. A few weeks back I purchased The Universe Has Your Back  By Gabrielle Bernstein. This book found its way to me when I was spending time sipping coffee and reading blogs. I’ve tried to explain Gabby to a few close friends/family members, and as I do I feel like I’m becoming one of those crazy people. “Energy” “out to the universe” and “meditation” make me feel incredibly vulnerable, so I usually follow it up with “she’s a little woo-woo crazy but it’s REALLY good stuff!” Like I need to justify why I’m reading/listening to her.

The truth is that she is right in so many ways. I recently saw a sports psychologist talk (http://moawadconsultinggroup.com/) and what he said was basically “I can’t find proof that positive self-talk will give you the results you want (a win), but I can find proof that negative self-talk will prevent the results you want.” I think it’s time for me to listen to the universe, and to start living my life differently.

Slowly I’ve seen some changes. I’ve been enjoying my job a lot more, and I’ve been making some deeper connections in the work I do with kids. With help from a few key friends, I’ve been setting aside negative and destructive thoughts, and leaning into some of the more vulnerable, positive feelings. I even had a moment where I was dating someone, and I could hear myself saying “Well, it’s time to break it off with him. It’s becoming too serious, and soon I’m going to have to be vulnerable.” I could actually recognize the self-destructive thoughts. And so I’ve dated him (with reservation) to actually lean into something that could be good!

So here’s where I’m going to be a little more vulnerable.

This morning as I was listening to Gabby’s book (I’ve been up since 3am so I’ve already had a cup of coffee and listened to half a chapter of a book before 6am) she said that we need to set our intention. Meaning, tell the universe what it is that I want and so I can begin to focus my energy on achieving that goal.

This is actually the second time I’ve listened to this chapter in the book. I heard it once and became paralyzed in my thoughts. I have so many things I want to do, and so much that I want with my life, that I don’t know how to begin asking for/putting energy into the ONE THING. So I put it aside awhile. It’s time to face it head on. I need to write it down.

Here goes.

This is harder than I imagined. I want a relationship that is fulfilling and full of love and will give me the house/kids/family that I’ve envisioned since my mid-20’s. I also want to be fit and healthy with my body while also being able to enjoy all the indulgences in single life (ie- boozy brunches, late nights, etc). I really want to be successful in my job/s, and I want to be looked up to as a leader and an innovator. Which sounds weird, because there’s little room to do that in my work, but I feel like I can do it.

This is a lot of stuff to put out to the universe. It’s like the universe has asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee and I asked it for breakfast, lunch and dinner instead.

I think I’ll start with one intention: I want to build meaningful connections with those around me, including myself and the world around me. Meaning, in leading each moment with more intention, I hope to become more self-aware, less disconnected with what is in front of me.

Start small.

(Oh, and universe, a great relationship wouldn’t hurt either, but again, let’s start small).

Reflection on 2016

I’ve started this blog post about 6 times. It’s so hard to really wrap up such a difficult, important year for me personally. One of my favorite bloggers had a fun template for End-of-Year rituals, so I thought I’d try out her template.

25 things I accomplished that I’m proud of:

1. Running THREE half-marathons, improving my time.
2. Improving my overall eating habits, by cooking and planning ahead on my meals.
3. Cooking for my coworkers.
4. Another successful dance camp year.
5. Speaking to leadership students, improving my skills in speaking.
6. The ability to attend events alone, with little anxiety.
7. Reading/listening to books again, improving my leadership ability.
8. Overcoming some financial problems after taxes (yuck!).
9. Making new friends, putting myself out there.
10. Becoming an auntie, and continuing to support my family.
11. Buying a new car!
12. Giving up sugar for 2 months.
13. State championship, year 5!
14. Becoming the coach of the year for the second time.
15. Hiking alone (and hope to do more of it in 2017).
16. Exploring more of this great city, and making my apartment a safe, comfortable space for me.
17. Work: In general I think I learned a lot (and still have a LOT to learn!).
18. Traveling to Italy.
19. Becoming way more confident and self-assured.
20. Deciding to become a more active member of my community.
21. Taking some time for myself!! Whether it’s missing a practice or simply spending a morning alone, I’ve slowed down a lot.
22. Watching less TV, in turn expanding my music taste.
23. Attending concerts by myself.
24. Dating with a more confident outlook.
25. Laughing a lot more.

A word or phrase that describes this year: Moving on. 

Biggest life lessons:

1. Closure. I remember closing out 2015, feeling like this was going to be the year that things were going to be different. And it took some time, but ultimately I had a lot of closure for myself. I think my sister-in-laws reaching out to me and giving my lots of love really validated some of those confused feelings I had (reminder, the last time I saw my ex-husband we signed our paperwork and he got in an elevator, not looking back to say goodbye or anything).
2. Go with the flow. I used to get a lot of anxiety around planning. Whether it was my day, my month, or my year, I always had set goals that I had to reach. Now, I can go with the flow more, and I listen to my own needs. I’ve stopped trying to control EVERYTHING, and focus more on moving through life.

Now, it’s time for me to move forward, more clear and more awake. 2017 is going to be a really good year, I have a feeling.

Feeling my value, especially after Trump opens his mouth

I can’t go to counseling this week, so journaling seems like a logical second choice.

I’ve started going consistently again because there’s still something missing. I went back for maintenance and said out loud that I didn’t feel like I was worthy of love. I had never realized I felt that way before, but as the words left my lips it hit me and it almost felt like the air left my lungs for a second. What does that even mean?! I thought to myself. Yes, I want to be in relationship. I also know that I’m messy: I come with baggage, I work too much sometimes, I have anxiety, I always think I’m fat, and sometimes I can leave a bathroom rather stinky. I don’t know who WOULD want to be in a relationship with me.

That is why I am going back to counseling regularly again. I need to tolerate me. Actually I need to love me and all the stinkiness that comes along with it. In seeking counseling I’m hoping to get to the bottom of why I feel this way. I’m supposed to take the next two weeks to say to myself I want to feel my value so I start to believe what the next step is going to be: actually feeling it.

So I said I didn’t feel worthy. And then that stupid Trump video came out. And he said it was simply locker talk, and that we all make mistakes. Of course I don’t think Trump has caused my severe unworthiness, but that mindset has made me incredibly wary of relationship. Why would I put myself out there when there’s a chance that the people I date…

Will say something vulgar about me?

Might criticize me in front of his friends over something that I already find humiliating?

Are only out there to get me in bed?

There’s no way to know for sure. And I’ve heard guys talk, and I hear the things they say about women, and I leave those conversations wondering “What are they saying about me?!” To me, Trump’s video is not only about rape culture, it’s about how we all treat each other. We all have vulnerabilities and we all want to be valued and respected. If ANYONE overheard someone talking about them the way Billy Bush and Trump were talking about these women, I bet they’d feel so exposed and so manipulated. While some have thicker skin, words still hurt and make us question who we are. These type of revelations really pinpoint the reason for my insecurity.

(Why do I care so much what people say about me?! Don’t know yet… That will probably the next post.)