Quiet

It’s 2am and I’m lying here thinking about the quiet. It’s something I haven’t been used to in a long time. Every night we used to watch tv and then we would hop in bed and my husband would snore all night. At the time it was comforting and felt like home. It’s taken me awhile to get away from both luxuries and just be. It makes me wonder, does coupledom cause us to get away from quiet to avoid “awkward” togetherness? I don’t mean actual awkwardness, I just mean that when you’re always with someone do you need a buffer sometimes? Quiet is a bit like isolation. When there’s nothing to listen to except the hum of a fan and the occasional car outside, one may begin to listen to their own thoughts, their inner voice. When you’re in a relationship there is constant communication and almost the need to have to have something to divide or connect the two people together. Even in the car, I used to always need the radio or music because it kept me company when he wasn’t there and kept conversation going when he was there.

Now that I’m diving into aloneness, I’m getting more used to the quiet. While the fan goes on in the background I take time to think about the who/what/where/why questions of my life. I sometimes thoughtfully reflect on my day. I pray a lot more, or at least just have conversations with my higher being. Some days I drive long commutes with no radio, just the road noise to be with me for a moment.

I had never realized how isolating the single life was. There’s no one to report to and no one to talk to. Even before I lived with my husband and I lived alone, I remember I always had music or TV going because I couldn’t stand the still, quiet life. I had a partner to keep me company and at that moment I needed to still feel like someone was present. Now I’m alone. And alone I feel a bit more comforted in the isolation.

I watch less TV, I read more, and I go to bed earlier (unfortunately I’ve been up in the middle of the night more, but we’ll call that situational). I do things for me, and it’s feeling really strange. I miss having a partner, and if I had one again I would never take advantage of that comfort. But now that I’m here, I’ve been choosing a more relaxed norm.

The quiet is nice especially since I spent the last six to eight months trying to save a marriage and prove my worth. I was spending so much time doing things for him, talking to him, working on him, listening to him. Every night we would watch hours of TV to keep us from talking about the important stuff (or oftentimes to give us a break from the talking). I didn’t go out and do anything or leave his side because I was so intent and focused on proving to him that I loved him and that I was worth it. I would do it all over again in the chance that it would save my marriage. But it didn’t and those efforts didn’t matter, so I’m comforted in the quiet now.

{enter expletives here}

I’ve had a gut feeling. For a long time. I’ve wavered back and forth between paranoid/crazy and logical/calm. I feel like today was a day my questions were answered. It all might feel like small things, but to me it explains so much. These signs may feel like paranoia, but I really truly think that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is the biggest liar ever. Have I ever mentioned on here that he couldn’t pass a lie detector test with the FBI when he applied? Fishy, right?

We have been sharing a joint Spotify account, and over the weekend I stumbled upon a “recently listed to” list which featured a nice little playlist from HER, a Christmas playlist. Why you ask would he need a playlist from a woman he’s not supposed to be talking to over the holidays, the time when he completely ignored his wife and had three of his own holiday playlists? Suspicious, of course. Monday morning I was having a tough time, still feeling that “gut feeling”. So I looked up her husband (because of course, she doesn’t have a Facebook) and he moved across the country ten days ago. How do two people stay married on opposite ends of the country? I don’t think they do. Feels like a divorce. Then my secret source looked up HER “out of office” message. As it turns out, she happens to be in London and vacationing for the same amount of time as my husband. “But you’re being paranoid” you think. Why would he lie about her going to London then?

It is all starting to make sense. His ignoring me all the time (especially at work). His acting like he’s not attracted to me (because he’s in another relationship). His disgust with me physically (because he’s validating his feelings for someone else). His cleanliness of the house (because he wants to make sure he leaves no trace of his real life). His secrecy, even in times of “keeping things open”. His disgust every time I got upset about his affair (how “it’s not the same thing”… is that because you are in love with her, it’s not just lust?). I know, I still sound paranoid.

I think my gut is right on this people. Sometimes I feel like I’m just finding a reason that is other than my personality or looks (as he’s indicated so many times). Yes he cries, and yes he blames it on depression. But is it really that or is he just validating his behavior. I wish I got my undergrad in psychology, because I can’t really be for sure. That and my emotions are crazy right now and I’m so angry. But I truly believe there is a truth out there that he’s chosen to hide from me. And my closest peeps seem to be on the same page.

How could I have been so dumb? My friends and family keep saying “how could you have known? We were all duped.” or “You don’t know for SURE right now.” I know my old husband. My old husband loved no one else but me. We had a great relationship based on laughter and affection and our future. That disappeared the moment he said “we need to work on our marriage.” He began listening to new and different music. He began needing things that I “couldn’t provide.” He stayed out late and was irritated when I wondered where he was. He became egocentric at work, feeling larger then life at his success. Almost everything about him really became a shell of the person I married. And I know people change, especially when starting a new relationship. I’m definitely not the same person as nine, three or even one year ago. But I didn’t ever lose sight of the things that were important to me…. my marriage, my family. The things that will always be with me, whether I like it or not.

I’m just shocked. I know, you all know I’m shocked. And you might be shocked too. I’ve gone from talking about depression and how to support someone to how to divorce that same person quickly and without further wound. Or how to seek revenge through #evilthoughts…. Yes I almost texted him a nasty message. Yes I almost Facebook messaged her husband…. I have refrained because I want to leave with some dignity (especially if I’ve literally made this all up in my head). Finally, after seven/eight months I am going to focus on my dignity and just letting go. Because I can cause a stir and make his friends hate me, or I can continue to be the person that just walks away and moves on in life.

We’ll see where I’m at tomorrow.

Mourning

Yesterday I came to a realization (that many of you probably already knew so I’m a bit behind…). I was thinking about my husband and I was remembering what I loved about him, and couldn’t remember a recent time where he was those things. In the last part of our relationship he was NOT the person I fell in love with. Not only was he not that person but he was a shell of a person in general. As my brother-in-law says, we do rejuvenate our entire body in 7 years right? So technically he’s a whole new person from when I met him. But I’ve known people for longer than almost a decade and I’ve never seen such a drastic change. The last few weeks I’ve been holding on to some possible miraculous awakening from him, where he will be back to who I married. But I’m realizing that just does not exist anymore.

For the record I’m not saying people shouldn’t change. I am definitely not the same person I was nine years ago. I am stronger and wiser and more compassionate and grayer and more self-aware, etc. But the decline in my husband is truly breathtaking.

If I looked back a year ago, I would have said very similar things about him. In the years I had known him he had become more loving, more giving, smarter, and more self-assured than when I had met him. That man used to love me unconditionally. He was my comfort and my joy and my partner in life. He had an intense love for all the people in our lives, to a fault because he gave so much. It never felt like in this codependent way he keeps talking about, but in a way to just give to others what he felt they deserved. He was a loving uncle, who would spend hours playing horsey or jungle gym. My nieces admired him so much because again he was a loving person. My husband was hilarious. Sometimes we would spend our nights using our large living room window as a mirror to try and learn new dance moves. I would try to teach him the newest and latest and he would openly attempt each step, adorably failing and falling each time. He would make me laugh constantly and especially when I had a bad day. Lastly, even though he says now he wasn’t, he felt honest to me. We would talk about life all the time, and plan futures and talk about fears. I could trust him fully because he never strayed from loving me.

That man no longer exists. Over the last few months he’s become deceitful. His love for me and my family and all our friends diminished rather quickly. He actually said to me “for years I’ve faked who I liked and now I just don’t like certain people.” It was as if suddenly he was giving himself permission to judge and compartmentalize everyone around him instead of loving with all his heart. His self-assured attitude disappeared and left was a man who constantly considered himself broken. And the worst change was the look he gave me. I no longer looked at him and felt like the most important person. His look was dead and deceitful. He hugged me like he would hug his grandma. His comfort and desire was gone. I used to pray that God would give me him back, and that he would wake up from this terrible sleep. But my husband is no longer.

So while it feels obvious, to me I’m really realizing that I’m in mourning because my husband does not exist. I was looking at pictures from our last nine years together and realizing that he was gone. I pray and hope he doesn’t lose some of his amazing qualities because the earth was a better place for them. But in the meantime it is almost comforting knowing that I’m not divorcing him in his admirable times. I lost that man months ago. Instead I’m losing his shell. I kept holding onto love because of who he was and because his brokenness which made me ache. I just wanted to be his wife to get him back on his feet. But it is time to release that.

So now I mourn the man that once was, mixed with the life that once was. Part of my tears comes because of fear of now living this life floating along alone. The unpredictability freaks me out to no end.I always knew life would be unpredictable but I had someone alongside me to stumble and pick back up. Now if I stumble I’m grasping at friends and family to help me. Now if I stumble there’s no one to share that sadness with. And if I succeed there isn’t that person to call right away. I will just float alone in my own thoughts.

I cry too because I miss him. This divorce feels like a funeral being planned to lay him and my old life to rest. I just keep praying that I’m able to find a similar love with someone else. I’m laying to rest the old love and hoping it rejuvenates into something brighter than before. I’ve watched people die and their spouses rejuvenate into amazing people, who also hold a great sadness in them and while I’m glad I did not experience losing even his body I can still relate. The loss feels similar. I feel like I can talk about our past in fondness because he’s no longer there. And I feel like I might always hold onto a great sadness because of this great loss. I’m learning that mourning comes in many shapes and sizes.

Forgiveness

The last couple days I’ve been feeling the anger bubble up inside me. For so many reasons. Especially though because I managed to get our house sold three days after he officially ended our relationship (fingers crossed, and thanks to our agent) but I could never get a hold of him to sign the documents. I had to call him six times so I could talk to him about the offer. The good news is that he signed what I asked, but he was about as good of use as he has been throughout this journey. It sometimes feels like someone is secretly taping me for a show and this is all a big joke. A scenario to see how mad someone can make me and at what point will I break (I think the show would be called “Breaking Point” or something).

I do not enjoy the anger. It makes me clench my fists and hate myself. It makes me look back at my 20’s with absolute regret. It makes me despise the man that was my hero and best friend for so long. And it pushes me farther from God. I kept praying “how do I forgive someone that can do this to me?” And the anger would just sit at the surface. And then He spoke. I went online to watch last week’s church message, and sure enough it was about forgiveness. The pastor told me some things about forgiveness that actually simplified it for me. I thought forgiveness was like some sort of exorcism or something where you had to pray a lot and burn some incense and then the room would shake and a demon would leave the body (kidding, but I really did think it was more complicated).

Instead she said (and I’m totally going to butcher it all, sorry) that by forgiving others we are forgiven. And by not forgiving we are only saying that other’s sins are worse then our own. It’s not ok for someone to cut me off on the road, but it’s ok that I cut someone else off ten minutes later. I’m forgivable but they are not. She also said that not forgiving can feel easier because it delays the grief process. It is easier to stay vengeful and self-righteous.

I don’t want to delay moving on any longer. Just because this divorce isn’t my fault doesn’t mean I was perfect up until this point. I have faltered and have said harsh words and have screamed at my husband over the months and years. I want to move on from this past life, and I can only do that by admitting to myself that it really is over, he’s not coming back, and I just need to let it go. So I thought about it, and I forgave. He didn’t necessarily marry me to divorce me. He lied a lot, yes, but he’s not (totally) a malicious person. Just because I forgive, it doesn’t mean I need to like him or that the anger isn’t still there a little bit. By forgiving I can begin to piece back together my happiness.

I still hope he’s single and miserable the rest of his life, of course. Kidding. Totally kidding (maybe forgiveness is going to take a bit longer!).

Division of stuff.

Ever since my husband declared that he can’t get that lovin’ feelin’ I’ve been on the move. It’s been three days and I have a solid offer on the house (pending a few things first), attorney paperwork, and boxes to move my stuff out next week. In that time I hadn’t heard a peep from him, but at this point it’s obviously over so what else is there to talk about?

Wednesday I had received paperwork on the house and tried to gently send it to him (I hope it’s ok I’m already getting this done, let me know what you’re comfortable with…) with no response. I was nervous to send the offer without talking to him first, so I called. He left me a babbling message a few hours later about not being in a good place and can’t these things wait until after his trip. So I called him back. Four times. Texted his mom. “He should be home by now.” Texted him. Emailed him. Called again. I now feel like I’ve reached a Khloe Kardashian phase where I’m trying to get a hold of my soon-to-be-ex and he is almost impossible to reach. And you know what’s craziest about this? In three days it will be the NINE YEAR anniversary of us meeting.

He finally called me back and I could barely understand him through sobs… Something about being in a bad place… Something about not really wanting this… Something about his decision not being THIS easy… I don’t totally understand the entire thing but he’s having a rough time getting prepared for travel and my moving forward (I think). I explained that he does not want to be married to me anymore and I am making this EASY ON HIM by taking care of it all. “I will sign what ever you want” he says. It felt confusing and pulled at my heart strings, while also making me more angry.

Meanwhile I’m in robot mode. I’m so angry and frustrated that I just want to move on with my life. He is NOT attracted to me. He does NOT feel a spark. That’s truly the conclusion he’s come to. And that is what he can’t get over to actually want to be married to me. And yet HE is the one sobbing and being impossible? What is this supposed to mean? I keep going to this place of “how is this fair? I should be the one sobbing and slobbering…” But I guess logic is not always a part of life.

And of course when he’s sobbing I think “is he making a mistake? Should I wait to actually sell the house? Maybe he’ll come through finally.” Then I dream of this all being a joke and he passionately kisses me and we ride off into the sunset. Ok but seriously I imagine moving home and starting over with our life. I keep having flashbacks to the last nine years, when he used to just stare at me sometimes with these eyes, and I swear they would sparkle with adoration. I remember feeling like that look was of true and pure love. Something that would never be duplicated with two other people in the world. I picture him telling me almost daily “you’re hotter than the day I met you”. I can remember his love and it was so real and honest. I wonder if his tears are from a place of confusion and remorse.

And then I remember the last eight months. When he suddenly looked at me like I barely existed anymore. I remember him flatly saying how sad he was that he just wasn’t in love with me anymore. I remember his hands being folded on his chest in protest of having to touch me on the couch. Or when I would try to kiss him and he would push me away with his lips and then give me a hug that felt like he was trying to stay away from me. I can feel the loneliness of those moments on my skin. What is the real person? The man that showed me pure love for nine years, or the cold man that could barely stand the sight of me.

It’s so painful that I have gone to a dark place of avoidance and moving on. I feel heartless as he cries and I just sit there and watch. I know I’m hurting. I feel it at night and when I’m driving. But I can’t even go there right now. I wish I could just cry and kick and scream. But instead I will sell and file and move.

Beastmode.

It’s been just over a day since Chris announced his absolute unattraction for me. That day it was like all the feeling I had for the relationship just left my body. I know it’ll be back, but I have immediately began the process of moving on. Most importantly, I deleted photos on my social media (especially wedding photos). It’s so hard though when the man has been in my life (and every aspect of it) for the last almost decade. In the process I found loving posts he had written on Facebook, such as “2 years ago I married the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, with no idea of how much better of a man I’d be for it…” My god no wonder I was clueless to what was going on!

I have a real estate friend preparing documents already to get the house sold. Chris leaves for London Friday so I’m hoping to start moving all my stuff out next week. My dad is finding me boxes. And I have an attorney that has sent me documents to start working on so we can get paperwork drafted.

I’m trying to stay civil and cut and dry. To get everything sorted out and done so I can really begin to move on with my life. The goal is to be divorced before the school year is out. If we can both stay civil that will be no problem. I just hope his stepdad isn’t barking in his ear about divorce (as he was taken for everything in his divorce many years ago). I am absolutely going Beastmode on this situation… Gimme my skittles!

I am really struggling with one thing right now. Maybe it’s the robot-ness of my current nature, but I haven’t found it in my heart to forgive yet. People forgive murderers all the time, I can forgive a man for screwing me over. But I’m still so angry for all the lies and years of adoration I got, only to be told that I’m just not good enough? I mean you look at his post, and I made him a better man? I still keep saying to myself “how did you miss this?!” I guess time will heal me a bit, and hopefully I can learn and grow in my forgiveness.

A decision is made

Last night my husband finally had the balls to give me a final decision. You know how we had that one month rule in place with the therapist and then let it go because we felt like Chris wasn’t in a place to make a choice? Well now looking back I think he knew his choice and was giving himself that 30 days to get the courage. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how patient and loving I was trying to be, knowing the emotional turmoil he was in and trying to be supportive while he worked through it.

We hadn’t talked for a week. He didn’t reach out, he didn’t try to call, nothing. And then Sunday night I was trying to figure out if I had any important mail/packages there and he asked if we could “meet”. I knew it wasn’t good.

I’m writing this all down because I don’t want to forget the moment. I want to always remember how matter-of-fact he was about the decision so there can never be any doubt in mind of the asshole nature of it all.

First he started telling me what he was learning about in therapy. About the fucked up nature of his relationship with his mother and how that’s affected every part of his relationships his entire life. Then he dove into his confusion with sex is whole life. He had encountered some things young that made sex feel confusing and wrong to him, making it difficult for him to want to engage in it for a long time (probably why he waited to have sex and had it with me when he was 23 years old).

All of that aside he said, he has never felt a physical attraction to me in the way that he should as a husband. He said that I was so beautiful that he always assumed his lack of attraction to me was something wrong with him. He thought maybe he had a tough time because we weren’t married so he married me. But three years later when he still had no desire to touch me and I had to be the one to initiate is when he realized something was really wrong. “It’s a thing, really I’ve been doing the research!” He said to make me feel better. “You are beautiful and this has nothing to do with you.” He said to make himself feel better.

As I write this down l realize how screwed up it all seems. How did I miss this? Is this really the truth? That I married someone that felt little attraction to me? And why the hell would he put me through the last six months, knowing he felt this way?! And what does this other woman have that I don’t? Why am I not good enough? I am having such a tough time wrapping my head around the reality of it all. When I was 16 and I pictured myself getting married and having babies, never did I ever feel like maybe I could get divorced for not being sexy enough.

What’s worse is that I’ve always felt not good enough around men. Like my sexiness always hit a certain threshold with them and then they were over it. I’ve had a lot of rejection in my life. I don’t know what I have done that’s so wrong to them. And now my handsome and special husband is telling me that I am not and was never attractive enough for him.

Am I supposed to put this on my match.com account now if I start dating? “Divorced because not sexy enough” on “status”? Do I have to warn every man I date from here on out that he’ll get bored with me and won’t feel a spark? “Just to warn you, I don’t give off sparks with men so give it a few weeks and you’ll be sick of me.”

The other thing that pisses me off is that he’s spent months blaming all my other flaws. I wasn’t around enough, I wasn’t attentive enough… I spent so much time trying to make myself a better version of myself for my marriage AND NONE OF IT WAS EVEN RELEVANT. Why the hell did he blame me and deny the affair as something important? Why did he have to make me feel like garbage for his own guilt in knowing he wasn’t attracted to me?

As soon as he basically said it was over, I immediately went into moving on mode. I’ve emailed a real estate agent. I plan to begin moving out while he is in Europe next week. And I’m going to make an appointment with the divorce attorney I found for when he gets back. I want the paperwork drawn up and I want out now. I don’t want to look at him, to talk to him, or be near him for as long as I live. The faster this can be over the better.

Get ready for some crazy posts the next few weeks…!

Uncomfortable

Currently I’m laying in bed, trying to muster up the energy to get out but I’m holding myself back. One, because I’m sick I feel achy and exhausted. Two, I haven’t slept in days so laying in bed sounds like the smart thing to do. And three, I don’t want to face people. Facing people means uncomfortable situations that I’m just not in the mood to face.

My husband and I haven’t talked for three days. Monday night after the National Championship game we got into a very heated argument. He was mad because I keep bringing up the affair and saying that I need him to help heal the marriage when he can barely heal himself. Then he went into how he wasn’t sexually attracted to me and he didn’t know why. And then he said that he would recommend I leave him because he doesn’t know when or if he’ll ever get better. He isn’t in a mindset to make a decision but if he were me he would leave. A cry for help? A test to see if I’ll stay? Or maybe he’s being literal and I should just go? Either way, three days later I’m still heated and confused.

And so people don’t sound awesome to me right now. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to face it, and I’m sick of putting on a happy face and pretending like its so amazing that all my friends are doing these awesome things with their lives while I’m living with my parents in limbo. Sick of cooing at babies, being a super cool auntie, and being an awesome employee. I sat on the bus next to a coworker who showed me a bunch of pictures of his adorable family. His wife has been battling breast cancer for NINE YEARS and the way that he looked at her photos and the way he talked about her just put knots in my stomach. And then I feel guilty for these angry feelings because they are all representations of how wonderful life actually is. And my friends and family are actually wonderful people. It all just makes me so uncomfortable.

And I feel like my reactions to things make people uncomfortable and I can’t stop it because it comes out like word vomit. “I’ll just be the crazy aunt who takes care of all your kids because I’m never having any of my own.” “Chris used to cook for me so now my mom does!” All those things that are reality but that make me uncomfortable also make those uncomfortable. So many months of friends saying “I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve this” until their heads explode. It must make them all so uncomfortable to be a part of this.

But isolation hurts so much more. It’s lonely and sad and it makes me restless. I just wish I had the bravery and the energy to face everyone.

Acceptance

In your quiet moments, where do you go?

In the last six months I think I’ve become bipolar. One day I’m posting about it being over and I’m done and it’s time to move on and grow from this experience. The next minute I’m thinking about his depression and the will to wait and be patient. I’ve ignored him and figured out my divorce options, and then I hug him and read books on how to support loved ones with depression. It changes weekly and daily and hourly.

With our upcoming “deadline” I was trying to figure out what to do. If he chose to continue on this path of ambiguity, would I continue to follow him or would I end it? For awhile I knew the answer. I was going to end it. Case closed, I’m over this feeling of not knowing and living in limbo. It was time to move on.

In my evenings and on my commute to work I’ve been praying and reflecting. I picture myself leaving this broken man for what? Because why? For prideful reasons? For self preservation? After nine years to swiftly file for divorce, liquidate assets and rent myself a tiny one-bedroom apartment? Yes, there would be movement. Yes, I can really begin my grieving process. And yes, I may (in the off-chance) still have time to find someone else.

Or I can stay here. It’s a sad place to be, definitely. Every day is scary and every day I am disappointed by the lack of effort and energy that my spouse puts towards me. I field a lot of questions about the latest, and my answer has turned into “same story, different day.”

However, I’m not sitting in the sorrow all the time. Wednesday after a particularly difficult individual therapy session I sat in a bar waiting for a friend when suddenly I burst into tears. No explanation except that I watched a cute couple walk in and I missed our happiness. When my friend walked in we started gabbing about the Seahawks or something and I stopped crying right there. Not every moment is sad for me. While this is difficult I also have lots of happy memories. Trips with friends, wine nights, walking with my sister and her husband and dog, taking up bouldering. My work keeps me very busy as well.

All of those things will stay consistent no matter which direction we go in. And I’m not in the game of a selfish marriage, I’m in the game of healing and sacrificing and learning to be better. So when I get to my quiet place, where no one else is around and I’m talking to God, I realize I can hold out. At least until he is mentally healthy enough to help make the decision.

Coming up in a few weeks…. Mental breakdowns, brought to you by ME. As the husband will be leaving overseas for another business trip and possible side trip. Bring on the Wellbutrin. (Like I said, I’m bipolar right now!)

Rude

I have been thinking about my interactions with my husband lately, and I keep getting this gnawing feeling that I’ve been really rude. Every time he disappoints me I get angry at him and I begin to blame. Or I cry and blame him for putting us in this situation. What has gotten into me?

Being away from home I realized how reactive and panicky I’ve been to everything he does. I never really just let him be, instead I have been making everything about me. “I know you’re depressed but don’t do these things to ME.” I’ve been depressed and hard to talk to, not just with Chris but with my family and friends as well. Why have I been so rude? It’s no wonder he doesn’t know if he wants to be married to me, I’m not really me!

On the other hand, with my flashbacks I’ve been feeling a lot of what I felt this summer. The pit in my stomach, the questions, the guilt. And I remember the stuff he said to me and how it made me feel. I keep picturing my conversations with him surrounding TOW, his lack of remorse or honesty. And I think about how rude he’s been to me! Stepping back for a moment the things he has said and done have not been my fault and they are incredibly hurtful.

Being in San Francisco I thought about our trip in April. We took a ferry to Tiburon, and I remember how at peace I was, the warm sun in my face, the views of the Golden Gate Bridge, and holding his hand and feeling ultimate love. We celebrated his birthday and he toasted to me, saying how it was the best birthday he’s ever had and he’s so grateful for me. I felt peace and reassurance that our love could outlast anything.

How do two people that care about each other so much also treat each other like such crap? I feel like such a failure that I lost that love and replaced it with a lot of anger. I pushed him away with my lack of restraint and lost myself in the process. I feel like every time I write I keep going back to “why?!” But seriously how did this happen and why me?

I truly feel myself slipping away from the relationship and it is very lonely and very scary. Since I’ve been the only one working on the relationship, if I leave it is truly over. He’s got no fight in him. And I hate it because this isn’t really about me, it’s about his well-being but now I’m selfish.

I wish I could really explain this feeling of removing from a relationship. It feels like the other person is no longer really a person in your brain. They are a fleeting moment in time. It feels like a huge hole in my heart. When I wake up in the morning I think that Chris has woken up before me and is making coffee, and I realize he was never in my bed at all. There’s confusion over missing the person while also feeling little emotion anymore. And after planning a future with someone, it feels like there is no future anymore. Gone are the days that I plan out the nursery and home remodel. It is replaced with realizing all I have is my career ahead of me. Life is happening all around me, and I’m left with little. I wish it wasn’t but it’s so hopeless and damaging.

This removal process makes me see marriage very differently as well. Last night I made my friend promise me that her fiancé won’t do this to her because I can’t stand to think she might have to go through this too. I am starting to wonder what the point to a marriage is, when it is so fragile and can be so damaging to a person. Why be in a relationship at all? I thought marriage was about having that person to live life with, to stretch you, and to commit forever. But now I see how common divorce is, and it makes me sick that people don’t put sanctity in the original reasons behind marriage. And if I married someone that had very different ideas of marriage, who’s to say I wont make that mistake again?

In this moment I don’t know how to go on. I hate myself for my behavior, and I’m so sad to be moving on. I want to be back on that ferry boat, just one more time.