Mid-life crisis is happening

1:30am and I’m wide awake. Nighttime is really hard for me. It feels like this is the time where ghosts-of-present-situations become alive, taunting me with realities and decisions to be made. I lie awake and I just replay my marriage over and over in my head. I have flashbacks of lying in bed next to my husband, where I sometimes used to just stare at him and say “my god how did I get so lucky?” I remember all the times he used to watch me around the house and when I caught him he would just smile. I try to rack my brain to remember signs of unhappiness he had. I remember sometimes just being mad at him for no reason and threatening to sleep on the couch. He would always beg me to come to bed. I think back to when he brought up travel to me when I was in grad school. He wanted to see the world and I promised him we would do that as soon as I could get a job (we had agreed to be careful while I was in school and not making money… We still went to Belize the first year but I digress). But those little negative moments were nothing compared to the happiness I felt in the almost 9 years of being together.

And now it all feels like it was either a lie or too good to be true. We did always used to say to each other “Do we really deserve all that we have?! Most people don’t have half of what we do.” At some point our perfect empire had to fall I guess. Someone who also had a traumatic experience last year told me that once I can accept my new reality and just say “it is what it is” then I can finally move past it. So I keep picturing my new reality: being without my beautiful wedding bands, living with my parents in a different part of town, sleeping alone, possibly dating again, leaning on friends, living without the love and encouragement of my best friend and partner, possibly selling my house, losing friends, being perceived as “a divorcée”, being alone and without certainty for quite some time… It’s all so different from where I thought I would be in this moment. This new reality makes me want to scream “this is so not fucking fair.”

So instead of looking at my new reality, I’m creating a fake one sort of. I’ve gone from spiritual awakening to midlife crisis (I am turning 30 in a few short months). Yesterday, I rock climbed. I have tried flirting. I want another tattoo. I just bought a plane ticket to San Francisco for New Years. I’m coloring my hair blonde (hasn’t been blonde since my freshman year of college). I rented a car for my first time. I created a goals list for 2015 that includes European adventure and large life choices. I bought jeans that are too tight and that I’ve always been to scared to wear. I asked for help from those around me. I moved out of my house (abandoning my husband) in an attempt to do what’s best for ME. I hiked mailbox peak. And once again, I rock climbed (and I liked it?! Who am I?”).

To the naked eye these all look pretty harmless. To me they are monumental steps in my hopeful growth. A long time ago I believe I posted about my lack of risk-taking. In reading my Perfectionism book by Brene Brown I realized that I was so paralyzed by my need to seem perfect that I rarely took a risk. I actually realized that I had never taken actual risk ever; it was always calculated. So while one of these things may seem harmless, I can pretty much guarantee that it was an impulsive decision. Yes, still calculated at times but still irresponsible. It feels scary.

I feel like I’m going to look back on this time and say “I had gone nuts.” Eventually I’ll level out and the crazy drunken and impulsive debauchery will calm down. And then I will just be another ant in this world, going about the day without second thought or risk. At that point I will finally accept my new reality. And who knows. This new person may still exist somewhere and I might still take some fun risks. Especially being single, I feel like it’s needed to break up the loneliness a bit. While I wait for acceptance of myself and my reality I will anxiously await my new hair and my trip and I will forget about calling a lawyer.

Looping

I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s because I’m not living at home, or because I now sleep alone. Or maybe because my life is fucked up. Pick your poison.

So I decided to read my old blog posts. Scary. I dabbled in the good and the bad. The positive and the negative. And I realized that NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I began this blog in July-ish and his behavior is still the same. We are going in the same cycle with the same behaviors. I kind of laughed at myself when I read about my husband’s redeclaration of love for me when he came clean about TOW. That husband faded so quickly, and I held on for so long.

I also noticed how positive I used to be about the marriage. What has changed in me? Maybe just time has worn me down. Or maybe I need to get back to some of the things that grounded me. BRENE WHERE ARE YOU?!

It really made me stop and think- what are my next steps? Where do I want this to go? Why exactly did I leave? I feel very caught in the middle (which I’ve been feeling all along, now there’s just actual distance between us). I’m not single, nor loved. I’m not divorced but my husband isn’t in it. I’m not living at home, yet I’m living in a room. I know that my husband needs to sort through his head and I need to be patient and loving. But how much longer can I put my life on hold?

I feel like I’ve been a dutiful wife whose sat patiently by her husband’s side while he’s suffered much depression and anxiety. So why did I leave? Why did I stop being a dutiful wife? Part of me feels like I gave up on him and I feel a lot of guilt for that. The other part of me feels like the emotional toll life was having on me was too much to bare and I needed out. Plus I needed to wake my husband up. “This is where life is going because you won’t love me.” I was willing to take care of him, but I don’t think he was taking care of himself and he was using all his emotions and distress as a crutch to not work on our relationship. So by leaving I’m forcing the issue of taking care of himself.

I just hope eventually he realizes that. Before it’s too late for us.

The land of What Ifs

The painful and beautiful part of life right now is that there are a lot of unknowns. Will he change his mind, will I be divorced, will I always live with my parents, will I lose hope in our great love and move on, and if he comes back, will it be too late?

Yesterday I went to work without my ring on and I felt exposed and scared. Once I started working though my body kind of went into shock. I felt no happiness and yet no pain. I worked all day and acted like nothing was going on. And maybe that was a good thing (partially because it will help me keep my job), because it was my brain showing me that life will be fine without him. I read this article about toxic relationships and the need to make movement forward. If you read it, I answered all her questions with a “yes”. It made me mourn a bit, that my relationship with my husband has become a toxic one. I didn’t ask for it to come to that. I don’t want to not be married to him, nor do I want to live away from him. Every moment of every day feels like a large piece of me is gone. But it’s been gone awhile. When I met with my therapist Monday we talked about how he hasn’t been present for awhile. Like, in the last 4 months.

And I couldn’t stop it. I tried to make him love me. I tried to get him to see how good our life is and could be. I became a sexy car salesman. And yet his love is just…. Gone.

What do I do? What is going to happen? I’m writing this as a sort of prayer to God, because I know He has the answers. There are a million scenarios and I can’t even fathom how much harder this is going to get. I have been thinking about it the last few days, and for me to move back into the home will be a feat in itself. I’m not moving back in if things are still “working out”. To move back in would mean that he is 100% and our relationship is solid. I feel selfish saying that he has to prove it, feels cocky. I guess reality is that the relationship feels kind of over already, and so moving in would be a total rebirth.

Living in my land of What Ifs, I also encounter the “what if I just put the relationship aside and just be happy”. Feels scary. I know it is what I should do, and I know I need to give to God, but relinquishing that control kind of feels like giving up. I don’t want my husband to ever feel like I gave up on him.

I will say that moving out has caused him to actually take care of himself. I think I had been kind of taking care of things around the house, grocery shopping and listening to him cry, etc. Now that I’m gone he’s actually just feeling everything. And he’s going on antidepressants. Unfortunately for me I think the best thing I could do for him was force him to pick himself up now. (Side note I went to the house to get more stuff and the fridge looks exactly the same which means he’s done no shopping and possibly no eating.)

I feel like I’m in a part of the journey where I’m looking down many roads and down each are many possibilities. I think I’ll end up dabbling in each road, and maybe a bit frantically. I guess I just have to believe that the What Ifs will be explained to me eventually, when I least expect it.

And then there was one.

It actually happened. I packed two suitcases (poorly I may add) and moved out of the house. I feel like I gave up. Like maybe I made a wrong choice. But I didn’t know what else to do.

Nothing has changed for my husband. He doesn’t feel more attracted to me, or want to stay married to me any more than he did 4-6 months ago. It has been 3 months and 3 weeks since he told me that he wasn’t in love with me. During that time I’ve cried, begged and stalked. I threw myself, I hid myself, and I tried to just cuddle. He feels nothing for me. He still stands by that he’s been faking his relationship with me for years.

Monday we had therapy and it got to a point where I was saying I was done, and he didn’t try to save it or beg me, he just said he understood. And after we stared at each other for a few minutes our therapist changed the subject and we worked through some stuff. I tried to stay positive throughout the week, greeting Chris in the evenings with a smile on my face, trying to just be myself. And then I realized that myself was unloved, unappreciated, and lonely as hell.

So I had been contemplating it all week. We both felt like we couldn’t live like this any longer. He was not ready to leave me, nor was he feeling different. He just was. Oh my god, in therapy Friday he said that things were “fine”. Meaning, not good, bad, just there. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him. So over his indifference.

So after Friday’s therapy, I got all ready to go celebrate a friend’s birthday, and instead of leaving I just sat on the couch. There was something just gnawing at me. I sat there trying and trying to articulate and I just couldn’t. And so I started to cry and beg again. And still Chris had nothing to give me. I realized that it wasn’t enough. And that this lack of movement was causing me to not only resent him, but to hate him.

I wish I was stronger to sit and wait by his side. The Christian thing to do would be to wait and just love. (I think, not sure. I’ve been searching for answers in the bible on “how to handle an indifferent husband” but I think that manual didn’t make it into the final print). But I just began to hate him. In therapy we stared at each other for a half hour, and I just looked at him the whole time thinking “fuck you, I hate you, I hate your face and your handsome chiseled jaw and your searching eyes and your large nose.”

So I waited for him to say something. But he was cowardly. He knew it was coming. Such a scaredy cat. So I suggested it. That I move out and we go to counseling and go on dates but also take time and space to just process things. Who knows, he might sit on the couch and realize how lonely he could be. Or he will realize he doesn’t want to be married to me. Either way it’s goddamn movement you know? What sucks even more is that we have a trip planned in two weeks that I used all my frequent flyer points on, so that I could make him happy. I don’t know if we’re still going to go or what, but I’m sad I couldn’t wait that long.

Right or wrong decision I don’t know. But now I live with my parents. Luckily they live somewhere cool but oh my god I am 20 again.

Wish me luck people, and is it too early to join tinder?!

Optimism

Last night Chris came home from work and said that he’s been sad and depressed all day. He couldn’t explain it, but he was just sad. Apparently he checked Facebook and felt like everyone around us was happy and living life and we were just here . He also said that he feels a lot of guilt for bringing us to this place.

I wanted to SCREAM “we can be happy if you just move on!” But instead I listened. “Things have to get better, babe.” It’s so difficult when he says these things, because I don’t know what they mean. Is he sad because it’s over? I’ve asked him that and he says no every time.

On the plus side, he has made more movement with my family (which is huge because he feels a lot of shame and judgment -his own doing but understanding), he came and watched me coach (finally, he hadn’t done that in months) and he let me plan a weekend trip next month.

Also luckily our therapist is wanting us to do more direct work with each other. It’s either now or never basically. I’m really scared and relieved to ramp up the couple stuff. I’m ready to be happy, like Chris said.

It’s been exhausting to pretend to be happy everyday when I have such an unknown future. It’s been almost four months of this back and forth, and with the holidays coming up I don’t know how much longer I can take it. And I know my husband can’t take it either.

So for now I will be optimistic about where we’re at. It’ll be interesting to see what this week will bring.

Balance: Part 43729947300

One of human’s biggest challenges is balance. I must work out, but not become obsessed. I must work, be a perfect mom/dad and spouse. But also have lots of friends and volunteer in the kid’s classroom. And the kids should be perfect so as the parent I must provide ideal situations for them to grow and flourish so I can be proud. But don’t be a helicopter parent! You get the gist. Do this, but not too much.

Lately I’ve been stressing about balance. I want to be a good wife, but I also want to be a good friend. I want to be a good auntie, and I miss my nieces so much. I miss my family and I know they miss me. And lastly I want to be an excellent employee and coach for all the kids I encounter. Having just started a new career, I can’t just go to work everyday and phone it in. I am learning so much everyday. In all of this, how CAN I balance? How can I balance AND live everyday with no certain future?

Last night I received an angry email from a parent of a student I coach. This parent is slightly crazy. Last year she yelled at me so badly that I was depressed for a week. So I got this email, and immediately I went to my “I’m a horrible coach” mode. I feel like I’m putting so much of my energy into my marriage, that I am truly neglecting all of my other passions and focuses, and I’m being called out on it.

I really love hanging out with my husband. And we have so much work to do, and he is so much of my future, that I don’t feel like I can tear myself away for too long. Plus, I have little energy for anything else, as this spiritual awakening takes all my energy.

On the other hand, maybe I was imbalanced before and now I finally have a bit more equilibrium. I used to be gone every night for dinners with friends or multiple practices. I spent little time just being at home and present. I was always on my phone or computer, preparing for the next thing. I’ve reconnected to my husband because I ignored him for so long. Who’s to say this isn’t my new normal?

I feel hopeless about this balance thing, and about my future. I may end up alone and divorced, having lost months and maybe years of my life to fixing something that couldn’t be fixed. I don’t know what’s right anymore, and I can’t figure out how to choose.

Perfectionism strikes again.

The last couple of weeks I’ve been reflecting on what this whole life-shakeup has meant to my growth. How am I improving as a person? What have I learned throughout the last three months? How am I a different person than I was this time last year? It’s pretty staggering how much I’ve changed, I don’t think I’m the same person at all. Not that it’s a bad thing. I’m more realistic, I understand that darkness in life must exist alongside the light. I have realized how little control I actually have in life, and it’s been liberating. I thought I’d let go of a lot of my perfectionism, which feels like petting a cat backwards. I’m a better person for the students I mentor, I can see it everyday. I have more compassion than I thought I could, and I’m more confident in myself.

What’s crazy is that I know I still have a long way to go. It’s daunting and terrifying, yet exciting and liberating. There are still so many unknowns: will I stay married to my husband? What will our marriage or divorce look like? What is there to look forward to at this point? Every day I release my marriage to the universe in a small prayer ritual, but what’s left is a lot of fear and loneliness.

I saw my therapist earlier this week and I said “I don’t know HOW I can grow anymore than I already have… How is it possible to be a better version of myself?” And then she threw the perfectionism book back at me. And it silenced me.

I remember 2 years ago when I met my therapist, and she asked about my upbringing. What could I say? I grew up in a bed of roses. Great sisters, fabulous parents, totally taught me right from wrong. They have the perfect marriage, I never heard them fight. She almost looked at me like I was a delusional psychopath. “I want to challenge you that maybe your family isn’t perfect.” What?! I thought…. Why focus on what my parents did wrong? It’s so negative and unfulfilling.

And then I began to unwrap my childhood a bit more. Mom was seemingly depressed off and on for much of my childhood. Dad has always done what ever he can for his wife. And while beautiful and touching and perfect, I grew up in a bit of la la land. I remember when my dad lost his job and spent about two years figuring out his next steps. Every morning he would go to his office in a chipper mood and search the Internet. “We will be fine girls. Don’t you worry.” I never remember seeing my dad stressed or sad or honest about how difficult it was for him to not provide for his family. My mother finally tried to help, and got a cashier job. She last 20 minutes before she said that she couldn’t handle it. And my dad just let her do it.

Ok, so maybe my family isn’t perfect. That’s refreshing. It helps me feel more authentic with them, more understanding of their behaviors. This revelation two years ago is not what struck me this week. My therapist simply asked me if I had created a perfect marriage because a perfect marriage was all I saw. Whether things were good or bad, my expectation for my husband and marriage was only perfection. La la land.

I don’t know that I was very equipped to deal with the darkness, because it was always avoided when I was growing up. In one sense, it was good because my outlook on life has always been more positive and forward-thinking. But it left me oblivious to the reality of life. Sometimes it sucks. And sometimes people are going to make mistakes. And sometimes things that you thought were perfect are actually perfectly imperfect.

I don’t know what came first in our marriage: my husband’s codependency and perfectionism or my warped reality and perfectionism, but at some point we fed this reality to each other and believed it for years.

I guess I still have a lot of work to do in my perfectionism.

Back in town

Well, he’s back in town. Friday I was a wreck, trying to focus at a workshop and then coach in the evening. I don’t know why I was so stressed, probably because I was still creating all sorts of stories in my head. Luckily part of my workshop was on mindfulness and I actually got to participate in it, so I was able to do some breathing and focusing to calm myself. Love my job.

I am almost done with Codependent No More and I hope to finish it today. The book describes all of my actions and behaviors exactly. “Do you feel like you’re going crazy?” UMMM YES. “You search the entire house looking for clues…” Yep done that. “Are you always angry?” Inexplicably. (ps I’m not actually quoting the book…). A lot of this stuff is information I’ve been fed in therapy and have been rejecting. A friend described it perfectly: You know when your parents tell you something over and over and then a random adult says the same thing and you suddenly understand? Totally what just happened. I’m still not in the recovery part of the book, but I have found tremendous peace in being able to label, describe, and package up my behaviors and thoughts. It also helps give me direction on how to grow. A true blessing. I will probably be talking and processing a lot more on that throughout the coming weeks.

So when I went home, I told Chris that I was nervous to see him, and he said “I don’t know why but thank you for telling me.” I prayed the whole way home, used positive talk on myself (out loud, like a crazy and compassionate person), and was able to calm myself down enough. My husband gave me the biggest, longest hug and a few great big kisses. It felt so good to just be held by him. I told him about how hard the last two weeks have been for me, and about my recent revelations. We talked about how long of a road we have. I heard all about his trip and looked at pictures. He said that he didn’t come home with some huge revelations, but felt like the purpose of the trip will reveal itself in the coming weeks. Basically all was to be expected, plus a little more than I expected.

I feel like the trip has already revealed a few purposes: 1- I really hit rock bottom, and I was able to do that without destroying the marriage even further. If he were here and I were to keep spiraling, I think matters would have just gotten worse. 2- We were able to do our own thing for awhile, without needing to be together all of the time. I had space to see friends and work on reconnecting on the things I enjoy doing, without worrying about staying away from home too much. 3- It gave us a bit of a clean slate. We got to not fight or resent or “talk things out” or just plain exhaust ourselves. Which was the pattern we were holding.

I’m trying to just take it one day at a time right now. I’ve gotten so many texts and emails from good friends, wondering how the big homecoming was, and I don’t know how to describe it. It’s scary, normal, revealing, insignificant all at the same time. I can’t predict the future, I can only live day-to-day right now. In the book, the author describes how terrifying breaking the codependent behaviors can be. And how it’s like when she drives in the rain and in the dark. It’s terrifying, she can’t see anything in front of her. But she can see the reflectors on the road, and each reflector individually will help her get one step further to her destination. I just felt like that was so beautiful and perfect… Day by day I will get a little closer to my truth and to what God has in store for me.

Codependency

Once again, I couldn’t sleep last night. I fell into a deep sleep around 10pm, and woke up in a panic at midnight, thinking I had slept the entire night. I’m nervous. My husband comes home today, and I don’t know what to expect. He sent me an email from the airport, no signing off with “Love you” or “xo”, and of course that’s what I expect of him.

So I lied awake, trying to find meaning. And trying to let myself live in the moment as I know I need to. I was just praying: God, I know you have a plan, and I’m listening. And I will stop controlling. And I will start living, I just want to know what your plan is. And I can’t keep living like this. I hate not controlling, and I hate not knowing the plan. Please, just tell me your plan?

So I read the bible. Didn’t help. Kind of bored me actually, I had turned to the old testament. Sigh. No meaning or big revelation there. Meaning and direction, where am I going to find you.

So I tried breathing. “Breathe in, breathe out. Why didn’t Chris sign the email with some affirmation of his love for me. Wait, focus. Breath in, breathe out. I just want answers. I need answers.”

And then something compelled me to jump out of bed and pick up a book that I had been avoiding for months. See my husband had begun reading this book, and I believed that it was the cause of all our problems. The more self aware he became, the more I felt like he was pushing me away. The more self aware he became, the more crazy and unpredictable his behavior was. I resented the book. It’s called “Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself”. Can you believe that the title talks about something that people have been telling me to do for the last few months (ESPECIALLY my poor therapist?!)? Caring for myself?

Immediately I began reading, and possibly realizing something really huge. When my husband began to let go of his codependency, there was this hole in the relationship. A lot of our connection and relationship had been built on his need to care for me. And when I was told that I was possibly not good enough for this person, and that they were no longer going to care about me in this unhealthy way, I believed that I owed him. I owed him for the time he had spent caring for me. I thought that now it was payback, and I needed to do what he had been struggling with for so long.

I don’t know if that makes sense, but basically what I’m trying to say is that I became a MAJOR codependent. This excerpt from the book describes what I’ve been feeling best:

“For various reasons codependents tend to attach themselves to problems and people. Never mind that worrying isn’t solving anything. Never mind that those people rarely have solutions. Never mind that they’re so obsessed they can’t read a book, watch television, or go for a walk. Never mind that their emotions are constantly in turmoil over what she said or didn’t say, what she did or didn’t do, or what she will do next. Never mind that the things we’re doing aren’t helping anyone! No matter what the cost, we will hang on. We will grit our teeth, clutch the rope, and grab more tightly than ever.”* (Page 59, author Melody Beattie)

Damn. I had applauded my husband for his self awareness, for growing and developing, and at the same time became obsessed with the problem and trying to fix it. Truly a great portion of this blog has been about how to fix and solve him and the marriage. It’s been about my utter awe and confusion for the problem. There are sprinkles about fixing myself, finding God, and self-awareness. But those have been pushed aside because the marriage and my husband need to be the most important thing.

Now as I read the book, I’m even more confused and frustrated and sad than ever. I still can’t make sense of the meaning. But I’m also a little at peace. There is a way out of this feeling, of this depression and self-deprecation. I am not crazy, I am codependent (which is the nice way of saying that someone is crazy, because the behavior is crazy. Sort of like when Brene Brown talks about her mental breakdown as a spiritual awakening).

And side note, as I am reading this book, I hear my therapist so much. She directed me to this book two years ago, and I read the first chapter and then “fixed” myself. And truly, I became less dependent on other’s emotions and behaviors at the time. But throughout the last couple weeks, she’s been telling me to create a protective barrier around myself, to take care of me and let Chris take care of himself. She’s been asking “Yes, but how are YOU doing? How are YOU feeling?” And I respond with “Well, because my husband feels XX then I am feeling YY.” Sometimes you have to get hit in the head a few different ways to really understand the message I guess.

*Excerpt from “Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself” by Melody Beattie.

Anticipation

It’s Tuesday, and Chris comes home Friday which really means only three more sleeps until he is back.

Driving to practice if began to think about what I will tell him about my two weeks alone…. “You know how you always wanted me to take care of myself? Ya well that didn’t happen because I had a total and utter breakdown and had to go to multiple therapy sessions and start taking medication. Tell me all about the monkeys in Bali?!” I mean let’s be honest I have been trying to take care of myself to no avail.

Two questions popped into my mind:

1- What does taking care of myself look like?

2- Why am I losing my mind so much?

I don’t know the answers yet. I have ideas, but I think those two things really need to be thought out before he comes home.

1- I can’t take care of myself ALL THE TIME. I know it’s okay to be weak sometimes, I have been weak 100% of the time. So then I think back to May, before all the shit hit the fan. Ya I relied on my husband for help with dinners and moral support, and ya I definitely overdid myself in my commitments and responsibilities.

But I also got a lot of shit done. I’ve been pretty successful over my 20’s, and I did that on my own. My husband supported and sometimes overly committed himself to taking care of me, but in general I was a functional adult.

Now in my new reality, what would that look like? To me it means less about the accolades and more about balance. Coaching less but more thoughtfully, joining bible studies to fill my soul, and spending quality time with a partner who loves me and will put up with exhausted evenings, just like I’ll do the same.

Ok this is a start.

2- The short answer is that love makes me crazy. It really doesn’t help that he was seen with TOW two days before he left for his trip. Coupled by total fear I think my body became used to a heightened position.

But seriously why am I going so crazy? I love my husband so much, but I have no control over him. Maybe that’s why? Maybe it’s the uncertainty of the future that has me constantly thinking about my two life paths?

This one needs more thought…