Having a good moment

I have had two main bright spots in the last few days. The first was Saturday morning hanging out with my students. They were so goofy and funny that I joined in on the fun.

The second is right now in this moment. Maybe it was the successful morning at work followed by picking up antidepressants, followed by therapy followed by preparing my house for house cleaners and yard service. And next up…. Seahawks game with friends!

I said this before but my reality is really amazing. Yes my husband sucks right now. And I will be facing more suckiness when he gets home in a few short days. The anticipation sucks. But in this moment I get to live out my reality. I have the most amazing support system (I think my next blog should be a how-to on creating a great support system because I’m apparently really good at it).

Plus today in counseling we talked about what to do when Chris comes home. I’m worried I’m going to be crazy. I’m worried about how much anger I hold for him right now and I don’t want that to affect the empathy and compassion I also feel for him. So we talked about boundaries. I need to set boundaries on what I need and he needs to be honest about what he can give right now. And since I’m choosing to stay in the marriage I need to allow him those boundaries and vice versa. If he is still showing up in our home and he needs to work on him, I need to do my thing too. I’m hoping to join a church group, see my friends, and love him the way he needs. Maybe I can do it all. Or maybe I’ll crumble tomorrow.

In the meantime I’m actually listening to the radio, which I haven’t done in weeks.

Missing

I have officially survived one week and one day without my husband. My husband. My. Husband.

I keep thinking about that name he gets to hold for me, and the name that I’ve proudly worn for the last three years. I love my married name, and I have been proud to be starting a strong legacy with the name. Chris’ dad left when he was two, and since then the last name has been something he has held onto himself. And so the name and our titles were extra special to me, because we were carrying the name to hold a new, amazing chapter for it.

My husband was always someone I enjoyed to bring to parties and events, showing him off as the perfect man that everyone needed to be jealous of. I now know that I probably broke him in holding him to such a high standard. I realized this when I had dinner with his mom this week, and she talked about all the things he “had to” do for the family. High expectations from the woman who is no longer supposed to run his world.

So I’m just curious, what our new marriage might look like. I miss him, I yearn for him so much right now. I don’t need the perfect man that I married, I just want a great man that loves me equally as I love him. I’m not compromising, I just want the relationship to be real and equal. I want to fight and make up and be honest and romantic.

The longer time passes that he’s gone, I get more confused. I stopped wearing my gorgeous engagement ring, and am just wearing my wedding band. I kept staring at it while I was at work and remembering when he proposed. At times I work on our home like it’s going to be staying put for a few more years, and other times I begin to think about (and dread) dating again. I continue to have relationships with all his friends and their women, while also screaming about how much of a jerk he is to my friends.

I need to get past the hurt. And I need to hold onto the yearning. How do we prepare for failure while also pushing on, in case it works out and we get our ever after? I can’t figure out the balance, instead it feels like a constant pull, which makes me totally stagnant.

This is why I’m so fucked up right now. I don’t know how to keep on and in the meantime he’s halfway across the world in Bali, staring at monkeys and temples. I’m sitting at home shaking and crying and he’s meditating and occasionally checking in with his annoying wife. Two different worlds. How do they bring themselves back together?

Self inflicted

I’m only going to write this stuff down right now because I want to remember this moment for my future book and eventual celebrity status.

I have officially hit a lowest point. And this point is not the fault of my husband, this is a self inflicted desperation. This point in my life is the greatest depression I have ever experienced in my entire life. My body shakes as adrenaline constantly pumps through me. It is not uncommon for me to randomly cry, even if it’s only with 2-3 tears at a time. I’ve been worried that my thought process has become so skewed that my reality is not really THE reality, and I think that’s only increasing (there are no voices… Yet). Besides taking the worlds longest showers to try and calm myself down, I don’t really take care of myself. There’s little eating and sleeping and I think that just increases the shaking and nonsensical language that comes out of my mouth.

I’ve seen my therapist two times this week, bless her. I feel like she’s trying to get me out of this situation in a very desperate way. She even suggested I go on antidepressants as soon as possible, not because she really condones medication but because I’m so clouded right now that I can’t help myself.

I learned last night that Chris hasn’t even brought up his anxiety to our therapist… Which has been one of the biggest sticking points in our relationship, especially as of late. Is he truly being authentic to himself or his helper?! I talked to my old counseling professor and she told me her husband did a similar thing, but they had three kids. He had begun to resent his wife for giving him the role of parent, he felt stuck. So he had his affair and eventually, when nothing was changing she walked out to give him space and never look back. And it took him two years to come back to her (and by then it was too late).

I guess the point to yesterday was that there’s a strong possibility that Chris is not actually taking care of himself, nor will he do that for awhile. And if he’s going to choose to act like a teenager and un-husband-like then I cannot stand around and let him figure it out. I will only begin to resent him more then I already do, and our marriage will forever be broken.

So then I go back to the crazy voices and I think about how he has been acting. First, I keep catching him doing stupid things: sharing playlists with TOW and helping her carry kegs (and when I ask him about it he pretends like he didn’t know better and that I need to teach him boundaries).

Second, he’s defiant towards me, like a teenager. “I don’t want to go hiking. I’m tired and want to rest instead.” “Sorry I’m not hungry for dinner at this very second. Eat without me, I’ll grab food.” “I don’t want to go for a walk now, I want to leave in 5 minutes.” You get the drift. It’s small things but they’re unnecessarily defiant.

Third, he’s been needing me to explain my needs all the time. Part of that I understand, but the other part I should probably not need to explain. Do I need to explain myself every time
I ask questions about TOW? When I’m not the one that cheated? Do I need to explain why being touched by my husband is an important part of re-building relationship? (I don’t mean touched sexually, I mean hugged, cuddled, kissed on the lips). It’s like he totally lost his husband ways.

I’m really trying to show patience and kindness and grace towards a man that’s completely lost. But I’m also not showing those traits towards myself; instead I’m punishing and starving. As my professor said, I need to begin to model good behavior about myself so hopefully my husband will begin to follow suit (takes me back to school and makes me miss her more). So, besides counseling again next week, I’m going to try and go on some medication. I’ve done it before when I was in college because I needed it then. And I’m needing it now. If I can begin to show grace towards myself then I can begin to show it to others, especially him.

It’s a new, full circle journey hopefully, where I go back to focusing on me (not the marriage) for a bit, in hopes to find myself again. By “myself” I mean the level-headed, passionate about helping others, hilarious self. The self that was beginning to really feel confident about her work and friends and body. I miss that self, even if my husband hates me for it.

Not controlling

It’s now Wednesday, five days since the husband left on his Finding Self tour. I think I’ve gotten about eight hours of sleep the last three nights total, and eaten like three solid meals. I’ve listened to the last two voicemails about 10 times each, to hear his voice and I’ve obsessed with his Facebook page 30 times. For those that are counting, this is one sick person! Ha!

The horrible thing is that this is all self-inflicted and purposeful. It’s like I’m having a hissy fit because I want to feel sorry for myself. My therapist has already calmed me down once and my sister has told me about 100 times to “stop thinking about (fill in blank)”. I have a few friends that keep telling me that this is out of my control and all I can do is work on myself.

I know all these things to be true. Plus I’ve been praying and reflecting and a few times tried to find some normalcy. I’m starting to wonder if my obsession with fixing the marriage has become just that: an obsession. Something for which I will not stop myself from. If I stop obsessing than who will worry about it? Who will keep trying to fix it?

There were the good times, and there were the bad times

“Life is at its best when everything has fallen out of place, and you decide that you’re going to fight to get them right, not when everything is going your way and everyone is praising you.” -Thisuri Wanniarachchi

Yesterday was another example of the roller coaster this Spiritual Awakening has put me on. I began distraught and depressed, and immediately went into a place of hope when we went to church. Once home, and napped, Chris began feeling hopeless again. He started telling me that he felt no love and didn’t think he could get it back. Ever. He laid in bed and cried for himself. I, on the other hand, went into a tailspin. In a moment of rawness, nakedness, and sadness I had another mental breakdown.

Now, the smarter version of me knows that this is a Valley Time for Chris (meaning a low-point). I’ve watched him endure them many times in the last few weeks. The vulnerable and scared piece of me panics and I begin to picture myself moving out of our home, out of the life we built together. I picture my family looking at me like “I told you so/I have pity for you”.

And so despite my husband’s declarations against our marriage, we attended a good friend’s wedding. Chris took half a Xanax and said that hopeless feeling was beginning to fade a bit (buuuut we’re still not going on medication?? I don’t get it).

And then we held hands during the ceremony. And then we connected with friends over drinks. And soon we were laughing and dancing like goons on the dance floor. And Chris slowly came back to me again. And this morning I am waking up feeling hopeful, not hopeless. I am feeling raw but safe and secure.

And I’m aware this feeling won’t last. Chris will reach another valley soon. But the growth part of me is basking in the afterglow of connection, aware that this is a glimmer of joy, and to bring on the sadness will simply be a reminder that there are bad times too. I used to spend my happiest times waiting for the bad times. I never truly enjoyed those moments, because around the corner was heartbreak: an angry email, a fight with a friend, SOMETHING horrible. And now I’m truly realizing how precious joy is, and to hold onto it when it’s here. And hopefully next time when the Valley comes, I can embrace it with growth.

His awakening

It’s been a few days since I’ve written for a couple reasons. First, I am in a wedding today that I’ve been sort of preparing for all week (but seriously instead of writing the MOH speech I’m blogging… Priorities). Second, I’ve been knee-deep in a new career, trying to keep my head above water. And third, I’ve been trying to be present at home. And when I’m not present, I’m actually SLEEPING again. It’s amazing that an awakening can cause us to sleep, isn’t it?

As I’ve said, my husband Chris has been a wreck and I’ve been very worried. It was as if there was something evil lurking inside him (see Men in Black video clip). Tuesday night we sat on a dock near our house for a long time, Chris was so contemplative and focused. That night he made his first future plan with me– he asked if I would go sailing with him. That night I knew something was shifting. (Side note- I never realized how lonely one could feel when the other won’t make future plans). That night I also made him head to bed around 9 and he took a sleeping pill.

Wednesday morning I woke Chris up to say goodbye as I headed to work (he was working from home that day). He practically shot out of bed when I woke him, and he gave me the most confused look. He later told me that when I woke him up he felt like he had been in a nightmare and when he woke he thought “I want my wife.”

Wednesday after work I went to a BBQ and Chris hung out with his BFF (I call him the boyfriend). I had been in contact with the boyfriend for a few days because Chris had been cutting himself off so much, especially to the people who loved him the most. So the boyfriend knew what he was getting himself into. He also made it clear to me that Chris loved me and that we weren’t getting a divorce (hence, the sleep I had this week).

When I got home Chris calmly said “Can we talk?” And immediately I thought he was ending it, and this was it. My heart sank to my belly.

Instead, Chris came clean. Him and his “other woman” had made out (a lot) and had talked about future plans together. I want to say that I cried or stormed out or maybe even slapped him dramatically across the face. Instead I just calmly listened and read his face. As much as I had been telling myself that Chris had been honest the last time I confronted him on this, I also knew that the story was not over. Hearing the whole story actually gave me a sense of relief. First, because they made out and didn’t have sex. But also, the story was over now. I didn’t need to wonder anymore. I knew all that I needed to know.

After he confessed everything, he told me that if I would have him, he wanted to fight for the marriage (yay!). He realized he loved me and the changes we had been making as a couple made him realize how wrong he had been in assuming it was over. One of the more hurtful things was that he told me he had originally been treating our 30-day plan as a waiting period and he had been prepared to be alone. But now he didn’t want to lose me.

After all that, the shame came forward. He started to tell me how ashamed and lost he was, and how I didn’t deserve any of this. When the shame came forward, I really truly knew what my answer was going to be. At first I thought that I would think and make a rational decision about fighting, but seeing my husband so vulnerable made me realize that the old husband was back, and I didn’t want that man out of my life (by “the old husband” I mean the compassionate and caring man I married).

I want to tell you that I’ve been walking on air since this conversation happened, but I haven’t been.

So back to Mailbox Peak…. As much as I thought my husband was a jerk that entire day, he had just as much of a spiritual awakening as I did. He said that watching me struggle and climb that mountain made him realize how strong I actually was. And when one of us would get tired, the other would pick us up. He realized the marriage could be a mutual bringing-to-the-table. Getting to the top made him also realize that this marriage was not easy, but together we could get to the scenic parts. I feel like God put us on that mountain that day, to truly illustrate our struggle.

Right now in this marriage, I feel like we’re climbing back down that mountain. We got to the peak, celebrated, kissed, held each other, and now it’s time for the work again. The problem with hiking is that once you get to the top, you have to climb back down. On Mailbox our muscles were fatigued, our stomachs were hungry, but the work was still there, we were only halfway done. And so now we are going to continue to struggle and heal and it’s going to suck. My reality is no longer reality, I am forever changed. I need to learn to trust him and love myself, he needs to learn to trust me and to be honest. Our story is not over.

How it all began (this is a long one so grab your wine glass)

Before anything else, let’s be clear on something. I did not marry to get divorced. When I got married, my entire family and friends said “Susan, don’t screw this up.” And so I was a wife. I was a coach. I was a worker. I was a great friend and sister and daughter. And in the last two years, I was a student again. And I always tried to be a dutiful wife. I had sex with my husband (mostly, but seriously rarely rejected it!), I made plans for trips, and I pinged/emailed/texted every 30 minutes or so. But I was a lot of other things too, which made life busy. Really busy.

My husband and I were together for a few years before buying our perfect 3-bedroom rambler in the perfect neighborhood, with the perfect neighbors. We did yard work (mostly), had large BBQ’s and family dinners, and eventually were engaged to get married. My parents, who were thrilled that I picked a suitor, helped in the planning and he asked for permission with the most beautiful ring. We planned a fun 150 person wedding in the heart of Seattle, on a perfect sunny day in the summer. (Notice that I keep saying perfect? That’s going to come up later.) I’ll never forget the way my husband (we’ll call him Chris) looked at me as we stood in front of our loved ones, proclaiming ourselves to each other.

And that was it. Life got messy, but we stood by family and our home and our careers. We supported each other when we struggled at work, and I made breakfast while he made dinner. This was the life I thought we had.

I have always been a self-proclaimed “type-A” personality. I do everything for everyone all the time. And I’m totally overwhelmed with fear of stepping outside of perfect, of being sought out. So I go, constantly.

This summer was total madness. I was out of town for most of the beginning of it. My sister got married, I went to bachelorette parties, I coached, etc. etc. etc. Before the madness began, Chris went on a business trip to… We’ll say London. He works for a large company in the area and has been slowly making his way up the food chain. He’s been to London a bunch for work, and normally we talk each evening/morning for each other, to catch up and talk about how we missed each other. This trip was different. He didn’t scramble to see me early when he woke up and I was going to bed. I would call/text and not hear for a long time. Weird, but more annoying than alarming.

Fast forward to a month later. We went on a trip across the mountains (organized by myself), and planned to get away from everything at home to just be together. I knew that my life was getting hectic, and so I wanted to ensure that I made him a priority in it all. So we’re sitting at dinner, and he tells me that he wants to work on our marriage. Great- this is the time to do it! I just finished school and got a job, so I was ready to travel and experience and take Saturdays to go to football games. We end up talking all night, and he tells me that he feels like I don’t know him at all, and that he’s been going through a lot of change. Again, I’m curious and I ask a lot of questions. This is all so out of the ordinary. I offer for us to go to counseling together, and he asks to go alone first. So I start going immediately. Remember, I’m “type-A” so I have to fix right away.

The next few weeks were a blur, but basically this happened. Chris starts pulling further away, and begins to look at me differently. I ask questions on how to make our relationship better, and he cuts me off. You know when someone loves you and they look at you and you can feel their presence? Like no one else is in the room? Now it felt like he wanted to punch me in the face when he looked at me.

So we’re laying in bed, and I am already a wreck at this point. What has gotten into my husband? How is this going to get fixed? I can’t do anything right, so what should I try next? 

“Chris, do you love me?”

“Yes, Susan. Of course I love you.”

“But are you in love with me?” Silence….

And so the word vomit begins. I learn a few new fun facts about our relationship:

Chris spent the last month crying because he was so unhappy.

He’s never felt physically attracted to me. Like in the “I can’t keep my hands off of you” way.

He’s constantly lonely, and he spent the last 8 years of our relationship giving me everything I wanted in hopes that I would want to give back.

He married me because I was his best friend and it was what I wanted.

….And there’s more, but it’s been so painful that the other stuff will probably come up later. OUCH. Here’s the perfect man, that I believe is my soulmate, my comfort, my other half, and apparently: 1- He’s harbored a lot of anger towards me and never talked to me about it, and 2- He never had a lot of important feelings in the first place (I know what you’re thinking and I said it to him. “THEN WHY THE F DID YOU MARRY ME?!”).

This did not sit well with me. We decided to take a weekend to think and I ran off to my parent’s cabin, where I delved deep into my own self and reflected on our relationship. I read books and watched Ted Talks by Brene Brown constantly, and I journaled (Brene will come up a lot in this blog. In fact, she inspired my spiritual awakening, and calls it that in her books). I got home and began telling Chris about all the things I see now, and how sorry I was. And how EXCITED I was to turn over a new leaf in my life! AHHH so refreshing.

Again, things are still… Off. This is not my husband. Why has he given up? So I do what any normal wife would do, I begin checking his iPad. And one night while he was “out to happy hour with coworkers” (which, after London became a twice-a-week occurrence), I looked. And I found what I was looking for. Texts from the coworker about meeting up during our weekend-alone-time. Emails with poems (Oh boy, don’t even GET me started on these emails). And guess what? She’s married. Their relationship developed during that fateful trip to London.

So here we are now, at about day 9. Chris had an emotional relationship with another woman (that he refuses to call an “affair”, but my sisters read the messages. It was an affair). He isn’t in love with me anymore. And the life that I knew to be stable and happy and perfect has come crashing down.

Therefore, this blog is to begin to chart my thoughts. I don’t know where this marriage is going. I’m so deathly afraid of the unknown: Can I convince Chris that I love him and that he should love me? Could he begin to find me physically attractive? Will I ever have children? Will I be alone forever? If I end up alone, what will this journey (that was so unexpected) look like? I have been reading blogs and books and talking to friends, and I think it’s important to chart this painful process for future women whose husbands wake up one day, out of love. I hope to provide some camaraderie and some tools, and hopefully some hope for what the future can bring.