Quiet

by susansommers

It’s 2am and I’m lying here thinking about the quiet. It’s something I haven’t been used to in a long time. Every night we used to watch tv and then we would hop in bed and my husband would snore all night. At the time it was comforting and felt like home. It’s taken me awhile to get away from both luxuries and just be. It makes me wonder, does coupledom cause us to get away from quiet to avoid “awkward” togetherness? I don’t mean actual awkwardness, I just mean that when you’re always with someone do you need a buffer sometimes? Quiet is a bit like isolation. When there’s nothing to listen to except the hum of a fan and the occasional car outside, one may begin to listen to their own thoughts, their inner voice. When you’re in a relationship there is constant communication and almost the need to have to have something to divide or connect the two people together. Even in the car, I used to always need the radio or music because it kept me company when he wasn’t there and kept conversation going when he was there.

Now that I’m diving into aloneness, I’m getting more used to the quiet. While the fan goes on in the background I take time to think about the who/what/where/why questions of my life. I sometimes thoughtfully reflect on my day. I pray a lot more, or at least just have conversations with my higher being. Some days I drive long commutes with no radio, just the road noise to be with me for a moment.

I had never realized how isolating the single life was. There’s no one to report to and no one to talk to. Even before I lived with my husband and I lived alone, I remember I always had music or TV going because I couldn’t stand the still, quiet life. I had a partner to keep me company and at that moment I needed to still feel like someone was present. Now I’m alone. And alone I feel a bit more comforted in the isolation.

I watch less TV, I read more, and I go to bed earlier (unfortunately I’ve been up in the middle of the night more, but we’ll call that situational). I do things for me, and it’s feeling really strange. I miss having a partner, and if I had one again I would never take advantage of that comfort. But now that I’m here, I’ve been choosing a more relaxed norm.

The quiet is nice especially since I spent the last six to eight months trying to save a marriage and prove my worth. I was spending so much time doing things for him, talking to him, working on him, listening to him. Every night we would watch hours of TV to keep us from talking about the important stuff (or oftentimes to give us a break from the talking). I didn’t go out and do anything or leave his side because I was so intent and focused on proving to him that I loved him and that I was worth it. I would do it all over again in the chance that it would save my marriage. But it didn’t and those efforts didn’t matter, so I’m comforted in the quiet now.