Supposed to be writing

by susansommers

I’m supposed to write again. I’ve been drawn to do it, I narrate a lot in my head. But actually putting something on text feels silly and trivial. But I’m hoping it’ll help. 

2016 felt like a promising year. I remember the new year’s festivities and feeling a sense of relief that 2015 was over. I wanted the divorce and move and breakdown to disappear and to have a great outlook on this year. Alone I took a big sigh and said “I can do this on my own.” Something is stopping me. Big time. 

I’ve never felt more alone and I can feel myself isolating more and more. Not all is bad, I’m becoming comfortable doing things by myself. Actually, all I want to do is hang out by myself. Seeing people takes effort, and I’m constantly questioning my interactions. Am I funny enough? Am I talking too much? Am I not talking enough? What do I have to say about my life– there really isn’t anything exciting. Am I having too much wine? Am I fun? Would I want to be around me right now?

I feel boring. Some days I feel like I’m just going to blend into my bed and never get out. This happens for work too. I’m stumbling around, not really knowing what I’m supposed to be doing and if I’m doing it right so I’m bored most of the time (and I’m sure it’ll get bad soon since I’m probably missing something!). I hoped by making myself less busy that I would find myself easier. This spiritual journey would begin to come to me. I think I’ve just found emptiness thus far. 

I went to a baby shower this weekend and there was a hanging sign that something to the effect of “If you have love you have it all.” I stared at that sign a lot, as I listened to moms coo over their babies and the stuff they come with. I have love of my family and friends. But is that what the sign is saying? Or is it saying that if you’re single and you aren’t in love then you don’t have anything? Dramatic, I know. But does it need to get thrown in my face constantly, that I’m boring and I don’t have nearly what everyone else around me has? 

2016 doesn’t feel right yet. I am missing something. I’m bored. What is it?