Uncomfortable

by susansommers

Currently I’m laying in bed, trying to muster up the energy to get out but I’m holding myself back. One, because I’m sick I feel achy and exhausted. Two, I haven’t slept in days so laying in bed sounds like the smart thing to do. And three, I don’t want to face people. Facing people means uncomfortable situations that I’m just not in the mood to face.

My husband and I haven’t talked for three days. Monday night after the National Championship game we got into a very heated argument. He was mad because I keep bringing up the affair and saying that I need him to help heal the marriage when he can barely heal himself. Then he went into how he wasn’t sexually attracted to me and he didn’t know why. And then he said that he would recommend I leave him because he doesn’t know when or if he’ll ever get better. He isn’t in a mindset to make a decision but if he were me he would leave. A cry for help? A test to see if I’ll stay? Or maybe he’s being literal and I should just go? Either way, three days later I’m still heated and confused.

And so people don’t sound awesome to me right now. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to face it, and I’m sick of putting on a happy face and pretending like its so amazing that all my friends are doing these awesome things with their lives while I’m living with my parents in limbo. Sick of cooing at babies, being a super cool auntie, and being an awesome employee. I sat on the bus next to a coworker who showed me a bunch of pictures of his adorable family. His wife has been battling breast cancer for NINE YEARS and the way that he looked at her photos and the way he talked about her just put knots in my stomach. And then I feel guilty for these angry feelings because they are all representations of how wonderful life actually is. And my friends and family are actually wonderful people. It all just makes me so uncomfortable.

And I feel like my reactions to things make people uncomfortable and I can’t stop it because it comes out like word vomit. “I’ll just be the crazy aunt who takes care of all your kids because I’m never having any of my own.” “Chris used to cook for me so now my mom does!” All those things that are reality but that make me uncomfortable also make those uncomfortable. So many months of friends saying “I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve this” until their heads explode. It must make them all so uncomfortable to be a part of this.

But isolation hurts so much more. It’s lonely and sad and it makes me restless. I just wish I had the bravery and the energy to face everyone.