A decision is made

by susansommers

Last night my husband finally had the balls to give me a final decision. You know how we had that one month rule in place with the therapist and then let it go because we felt like Chris wasn’t in a place to make a choice? Well now looking back I think he knew his choice and was giving himself that 30 days to get the courage. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how patient and loving I was trying to be, knowing the emotional turmoil he was in and trying to be supportive while he worked through it.

We hadn’t talked for a week. He didn’t reach out, he didn’t try to call, nothing. And then Sunday night I was trying to figure out if I had any important mail/packages there and he asked if we could “meet”. I knew it wasn’t good.

I’m writing this all down because I don’t want to forget the moment. I want to always remember how matter-of-fact he was about the decision so there can never be any doubt in mind of the asshole nature of it all.

First he started telling me what he was learning about in therapy. About the fucked up nature of his relationship with his mother and how that’s affected every part of his relationships his entire life. Then he dove into his confusion with sex is whole life. He had encountered some things young that made sex feel confusing and wrong to him, making it difficult for him to want to engage in it for a long time (probably why he waited to have sex and had it with me when he was 23 years old).

All of that aside he said, he has never felt a physical attraction to me in the way that he should as a husband. He said that I was so beautiful that he always assumed his lack of attraction to me was something wrong with him. He thought maybe he had a tough time because we weren’t married so he married me. But three years later when he still had no desire to touch me and I had to be the one to initiate is when he realized something was really wrong. “It’s a thing, really I’ve been doing the research!” He said to make me feel better. “You are beautiful and this has nothing to do with you.” He said to make himself feel better.

As I write this down l realize how screwed up it all seems. How did I miss this? Is this really the truth? That I married someone that felt little attraction to me? And why the hell would he put me through the last six months, knowing he felt this way?! And what does this other woman have that I don’t? Why am I not good enough? I am having such a tough time wrapping my head around the reality of it all. When I was 16 and I pictured myself getting married and having babies, never did I ever feel like maybe I could get divorced for not being sexy enough.

What’s worse is that I’ve always felt not good enough around men. Like my sexiness always hit a certain threshold with them and then they were over it. I’ve had a lot of rejection in my life. I don’t know what I have done that’s so wrong to them. And now my handsome and special husband is telling me that I am not and was never attractive enough for him.

Am I supposed to put this on my match.com account now if I start dating? “Divorced because not sexy enough” on “status”? Do I have to warn every man I date from here on out that he’ll get bored with me and won’t feel a spark? “Just to warn you, I don’t give off sparks with men so give it a few weeks and you’ll be sick of me.”

The other thing that pisses me off is that he’s spent months blaming all my other flaws. I wasn’t around enough, I wasn’t attentive enough… I spent so much time trying to make myself a better version of myself for my marriage AND NONE OF IT WAS EVEN RELEVANT. Why the hell did he blame me and deny the affair as something important? Why did he have to make me feel like garbage for his own guilt in knowing he wasn’t attracted to me?

As soon as he basically said it was over, I immediately went into moving on mode. I’ve emailed a real estate agent. I plan to begin moving out while he is in Europe next week. And I’m going to make an appointment with the divorce attorney I found for when he gets back. I want the paperwork drawn up and I want out now. I don’t want to look at him, to talk to him, or be near him for as long as I live. The faster this can be over the better.

Get ready for some crazy posts the next few weeks…!